Last Friday evening I drove a 100-mile round trip down to Ware in Hertfordshire to see some old friends. I was in the car longer than I was there (good podcast time!), arrived at 7pm, left at 9pm and by the time the group had finished their curry I was safely back home again.
So why did I go? Well, it would have been easy for me not to have. But, as remarked in the latest episode of the Midlife Mentors podcast entitled Why Maintaining Social Networks is so Important for Midlife Men (check it out!), ‘sometimes you need to make effort with your friendships.’ And I wasn’t the only one – another friend travelled even further and for even longer to be there (he did stay for the curry though and booked into a hotel!).
This is a friendship group that I have been part of for over 30 years. Within the group are people I went to school with, I was in the scouts with, played in the same football team, basically grew up with and so as you can imagine there is a lot of history there. I feel lucky to be part of such a group even if due to distance now it is difficult for me to see them very often. We are also fortunate that we have one or two ‘instigators’ who will suggest things, dates and events to get us all together. Picking things up again with them is easy perhaps partly due to our active WhatsApp group but also because we know each other so well. I moved away from Ware 18 years ago and unfortunately it has not been possible to recreate the same friendships where I live now in quite the same way, and perhaps it is unrealistic to expect it.
Men of a similar age to me may have similar stories. As we get older, maintaining friendships is not as easy as it used to be. The often bleak friendship picture for men of a certain age has been covered by authors such as Max Dickens in ‘Billy No Mates’ and is gaining more and more coverage as is adult friendship in general, see the recent articles here – ‘Be more vulnerable!’ What women can teach men about friendship – and what they can learn from men | Friendship | The Guardian and Why do men struggle to open up to their friends?
Over recent years the issue of male loneliness has been recognised, with research highlighting the social isolation experienced by many men as they grow older. According to a 2021 YouGov survey 1 in 3 men say they don’t have any close friends. And in last year’s research I undertook on men in midlife, having few friends or not spending enough time with friends was in the top 3 challenges faced by men in this age group (approx. 40-55). This can be because men prioritise family and work over maintaining friendships. The concern is that loneliness, if not checked, can then lead to a downward spiral of mental health and even physical health issues.
What can be done about this? At a very simple level, what if each of us stopped for a moment to consider our social circles and friendships. How would you rate the ‘friendship’ segment of your life out of 10? Is it in a healthy place or have you let things drift? What proactive things are you doing, what effort are you making to see friends and/or to stay in touch? What are the barriers and how can you break them down? Also we sometimes underestimate the opportunity in our everyday lives to make new acquaintances that could develop into friendships. From this mini assessment you can start to identify actions you can take to improve things, bit by bit, over time.
Personally I'm aware of the need to achieve some semblance of a balance between my work, parenting, and other responsibilities as well as making time to see friends both locally and those in different places. This can be a catch up over a beer, a coffee, on WhatsApp or even Zoom! The point is keeping the connections going. For others the balance and the mix will be different, as well as the challenges.
But ultimately I know that staying in touch with people and maintaining friendships is important to me and may require a little effort on my part every now and then.
コメント