Why Do We Fear Change When We're Living Through It Every Day?

Think back five years. Chances are your life looks quite different today. Perhaps you've changed jobs, moved house, become a parent, experienced loss, taken up a new hobby, or simply become a different version of yourself.

Change is one of the few certainties in life, yet many of us still find it unsettling. Why do we fear something that is happening around us – and to us – all the time?

Research suggests that the average person will go through three to five major life reorientations (often called "lifequakes") during adulthood, alongside countless smaller shifts. Bruce Feiler, author of one of my favourite books, Life Is in the Transitions, estimates that significant change happens every 12 to 18 months, and that each transition can take years to process. This means many of us may spend up to half of our adult lives adapting to change of some kind.

These major changes may be planned or unexpected and can include divorce, a career change or redundancy, becoming a parent, illness or bereavement. Smaller shifts might include moving house, changing jobs or developing new friendships. Change isn't the exception to life – it's part of life.

The irony is that whilst we often fear change, we've already navigated countless transitions. Every stage of our lives has involved adapting to something new. Perhaps the question isn't how to avoid change, but how we can become better at navigating it.

One of the most helpful distinctions I've come across is that change and transition are not the same thing. Change is the external event that happens; transition is the internal process of adapting to that change. Whilst we can't always control the change itself, we often have more influence over how we navigate the transition.

Every change can give rise to a range of different emotions.

Recently, my daughter had her last day at primary school. I asked her how she was feeling, and she replied, "It's not sad, it's just weird!"

I loved that description because it perfectly captured something many adults experience too. Change can feel weird. It can also feel sad, exciting, hopeful and unsettling – sometimes all at once. There isn't a right or wrong way to feel.

But if change is such a normal part of life, why do we tend to fear it so much?

Partly because change means stepping into the unknown. Humans are naturally wired to seek safety and predictability, so uncertainty can feel uncomfortable. When things change, we can feel as though we've lost control and begin questioning whether everything will be ok.

Even positive changes can trigger these feelings. Starting a new job, moving to a new home or retiring may all be exciting opportunities, but they also involve letting go of something familiar. It's perfectly normal for excitement and anxiety to exist side by side.

The reassuring thing is that we've been here before. Every new change is different, but we've already shown ourselves that we can adapt.

I've long been fascinated by change and transition, and it's one of the reasons I do the work I do. Supporting people to navigate periods of change has shown me that our experience of transition is often influenced by factors such as:

• whether we chose the change ourselves

• whether it was imposed upon us by someone or something else

• whether we had time to prepare for it or it happened unexpectedly

• whether we can see a clear picture of what life might look like afterwards.

When I work with clients, including midlife men, athletes, and leaders in sport, I often introduce the Change Curve to help people understand that the emotions they're experiencing are both normal and expected. Simply recognising that what you're feeling is a natural response can often reduce the anxiety that comes with transition.

William Bridges, a prominent thinker and writer on transitions, has made the distinction between change and transition. He describes three stages that people typically move through:

• Letting go – recognising and acknowledging what is ending.

• The neutral zone – the uncertain 'messy middle', where the old has gone but the new hasn't fully emerged.

• The new beginning – embracing new possibilities and beginning to move forward.

Understanding these stages reminds us that transition is a process, not a single moment. It takes time, and that's to be expected.

So, if change is inevitable, how can we approach it in a way that helps us navigate transition more effectively?

For me, it comes down to four things:

1. Accept that change is part of life. Time moves on, change is inevitable. Some changes will always be outside our control.

2. Recognise that your feelings are normal. Whether you're feeling excitement, uncertainty, sadness or all three together, these are natural responses to transition.

3. Focus on what you can influence. Whilst we can't always choose the change, we can choose our mindset, seek support and decide how we respond.

4. Look for the opportunities ahead. Every transition involves leaving something behind, but it also creates space for growth, learning and new possibilities. Approaching change with curiosity rather than fear can help us move towards the future we want.

Finally, here are two questions you might ask yourself whenever you're facing change:

• If this change is going to happen, how can I make it work as well as possible for me – and for the people I care about?

• What transition am I navigating right now, and what will help me to move through it successfully?

Every change we've lived through has helped shape who we are today. Future transitions may still feel uncertain, but we already have something important on our side: evidence that we can adapt.

Perhaps that's why the real challenge isn't learning how to avoid change – because we can't. It's learning how to move through it with greater awareness, self-compassion and intention.

If you're experiencing a significant change and would like support to navigate it with greater clarity, confidence and practical action, I'd love to help. Please do get in touch.